Quote of the day

“Of all the species in the world, however, homophobia is found in just one.”

— Lily Wakefield, PinkNews

This is from an article that struck me as so absurd (and yet, also unsurprising), sad and ultimately, I hope, ending happily for Fezco, the dog who was “dumped at an animal shelter after his owners decided they no longer wanted his because he is ‘gay.'”

Wakefield offers this reflection on the species-specificity of homophobia with the context: “Same-sex relationships have been observed in over 1,500 species, including domestic cats and dogs.”

(And it’s totally worth clicking on the hyperlink, which will take you to “Amsterdam zoo celebrates Pride with tour of ‘homosexuality in the animal kingdom.'”)

When you can’t just walk away

Before I share my story, I want to invite you to imagine a version of this situation happening:

• Between you and someone close to you,
• Involving an issue you care deeply about.

Ready?

So, someone very close to me who shares my enjoyment of Wordle, shared with me that they attempted to enter “c-h-i-n-k,” and the word was rejected or, rather, simply not accepted, which is what Wordle does with nonsense words, and, since The NY Times purchased the game, with additional categories of words that are “obscure… insensitive or offensive.”

Now, first of all we both knew about this change. And, while we’re both puzzled over the rationale that a word like “pupal” was officially struck (for being too similar to “pupil”?) we differ in our viewpoints about words that are (1) “just” five letter words, and (2) used or known principally as slurs – for example, “b*tch.”

So, I was taken aback and puzzled (pun unintended, but there you go) that this person decided to try a word that, yes, is a five letter word (meaning a narrow crack), which they are aware is also deployed as slur for East Asian people. And further puzzled that they were annoyed that Wordle wouldn’t accept their entry.

My response was to point out what they already knew, to which they responded: “No, the slur is ‘chinc’ – because it’s derived from ‘Chinese.’” (This makes no sense, as Chinese isn’t spelled Chinece, but let’s put a pin in that for the moment…)

Now, I’ve never seen the slur written with a second “c,” and I’ve never bothered to ask for clarification (“Hey, could you spell that?”) when people have used the slur at or around me. And I didn’t know that at least one etymology of the slur traces this spelling back to… you got it, ch*nk. But I did know that the slur is also spelled with a “k.”

I was then told not to womansplain to them about this slur, and they were sorry they even brought it up (presumably because I was being unreasonable or touchy).

Which added an entire additional level of microaggression to this conversation. Because I am a woman: an East Asian American woman (and while my family comes from Korea, let’s be clear that racists typically don’t bother with ethnic accuracy when hurling racist slurs), and this person, to whom I am close, is a white man.

So. I had to take a break.

Here’s the thing. There is not, for me, an “I’m done with them” option. I choose to remain engaged, to care about them and to continue building our relationship.

And. This is not something I can paper over. I’m hurt personally. I’m outraged socially and politically. And I expect better, frankly. Which is highly interconnected with taking their casual racism personally, as if it’s a reflection on my character.

So. What to do now?

1. I reaffirmed that I am opting to lock this relationship in, not out. (Thank you, Rosalind Wiseman, for making this critical decision explicit. Because my options if I am “done” with this person are different from my options if we are still in relationship.)
2. I recognized all the things I have issue with. I’m listing them here. Why? Because…
3. I want to focus on what matters. Not everything I heard (although it all feels significant when I isolate one detail or another), but understanding. I want to understand what I reflexively reacted to. Why? Because…
4. I am committed to my values, including respect for myself, in relationship with those I care about. So I can’t just not hear the racist thing a family member said, or the homophobic thing a friend joked about, or the sexist trope repeated by the colleague whom I respect. They are not defined by one comment, nor is our relationship. Although it will leave a mark on our relationship, and cause us to bend, one way or another.

So. Here’s the question I am going to ask: What does it mean to you to get to guess “c-h-i-n-k” in Wordle? What does it mean to you, or what is like for you, not to be able to type the word?

And I’ll ask if we can refrain from repeating the word in our conversation. Because I really want to hear their response about what’s going on with them. (I’m actually super-curious because I can say with confidence that I believe this person would never say the word intentionally as a slur. Even so, I don’t need to keep hearing the word “technically not as a slur” while I’m trying to open my head and heart.)

In past conversations like this, I sometimes experience a bounce-back reply that focuses on me: Alison, you shouldn’t take this so personally. Everything isn’t always about race, you know.

But I already know what I think, how I’m taking this, and that it is both personal and impersonal. What I really don’t understand, and want to strive to understand, is how this is not personal for them, and how, when something is also about race, and also racist, that can be incidental or inconsequential for them.   

And I want not to “agree to disagree,” which so often sounds like code for just burying our heads in the sand, but to agree on how to respect ourselves and each other when our positionalities evidence the distance between us, even in our proximity.

I want to agree not to take cheap shots at each other, for each of us to own what we don’t know and be curious (instead of posturing certainty), and to acknowledge our own and each other’s feelings and beliefs, because we can’t logic our way to rightness about the c-word, or in our relationship.

So. Here I go…